I am not a narcissist. Someone, I think, recently made that comment and either they have a tunnel vision focus on narcissism, didn't take time to find out about me, or both. I think it was probably both. Actually, I suspect that the person who made this comment is a narcissist as they have spent a great deal of time studying this concept and their CV goes into a level of detail just short of cataloging their bowel movements. Some of my INTJ traits my seem vaguely narcissistic. Their conclusion could possibly be because I created a web page to introduce myself. That is efficient, not narcissistic. See the links on my home page, www.kevindaniel.com


The following is the most detailed explanation that I found of narcissistic traits. It seems, as do many lists, by assuming a relationship, like "romantic relationship" with the narcissist. Some of these traits seem pretty bizarre (to me). I just jotted this off, have not proof read it, will edit and revise when conditions permit:

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/14-signs-of-narcissism

**Narcissists have to be the best, the most right, and the most competent; do everything their way; own everything; and control everyone.

I am not the best or most competent at anything I do. I might be, probably am, above average in some things.

Most right? Not sure what that means. Maybe it more means they don't want to admit when they are wrong or someone else is right? It seems to me like it would be a waste time, inefficient, supporting a point that is not right. If I cannot support my position through research and presentation of facts, I would state that that is the case. I am a facts oriented person.

Most competent? Again, I am not the most competent at any thing that I do. I am very good at a tiny, tiny number of things, mediocre at a huge number of things and clueless at the majority of things.

Do things their own way? Guilty. Its my life. I am retired. Damn skippy I do everything my own way. If I ever invite a partner into my life that will have to change but it will be well worth it.

Own everything? I don't know what them means.

Control everyone? I am not social. Everyone in my orbit is basically, me and some fairly distant relatives. My close family is mostly deceased. I practice acceptance. I accept you for who you are. That may mean I don't see any benefit in wasting time on you. I cannot/don't want to change you and if I don't see any positives in associating with you, I won't. I guess that could be called selfish? Life is short though and I don't like to waste time.

**Exaggerated need for attention and validation

I am an introvert, a very private person. I do not care, however, what anyone thinks about me, excepting my partner. I do what I think is right, let the chips fall.

I am not on social media. The only effort I make to communicate with "the world" is my web site. The purpose of my web site was, and mostly still is, to provide an easy way to introduce myself to people who I want to be able to quickly and efficiently learn what I think they should know about me. I dropped all social media when I retired for various reasons, information security, weird oversharing people, "friend" collectors, etc. Most of the social media sites I was a member of were for professional/academic reasons and membership served no purpose after I retired.

*** Perfectionism

Guilty. Virgo/INTJ. See kevindaniel.com Myers/Briggs/INTJ links. I often strive for perfection. But not to the extent of a narcissist. I know that I am not perfect and never will be. That is impossible. I don't expect anyone I invite into my life to be perfect. I expect imperfections and most of it is acceptable. Some may not be forgivable.

*** Great need for control

In some things like my finances, health, etc., I try to exert great control. I have no interest in controlling or manipulating people. Not sure what I would want to control or manipulate them into doing. I generally try minimize my contact with people. With regard to a partner, I would not be with someone I do not trust and do not consider my to be my equal. Everyone, I think, needs to still maintain some level of independence and separate identity when in a relationship and I would not attempt to control my partner, expect her to "report" to me or try to control her schedule or track her every move or thought. I think that is actually healthy and in the best interest of my partner as they would no have difficulty in transitioning to independence in the event of my death. We would collaborate on the things specific to our relationship. Of course, all of this depends on how my partner wants to conduct our relationship and where our ideas of conducting the relationship meet.

****Lack of responsibility

As I understand this, it goes to a narcissist trying to deflect responsibility for their not being perfect onto someone else. I am admittedly not perfect, so there is no need for me to find someone to deflect onto.

*****Lack of boundaries

About feeling everything belongs to them, everyone thinks like them? I have no interest in your stuff. I don't care if you  think the way I do. Not important to me. I am more interested in you not crossing my boundaries than I am in trying to get something from you or influencing you by crossing your boundaries. Acceptance.

*****Lack of empathy

Somewhat true. I lack empathy for people who do not put in the effort to reach their physical, intellectual and spiritual/emotional potential, especially if they expect me to accommodate their lack of ambition. Otherwise, tear it up, be as little as you want to be. Don't expect me to feel sorry for you. Other than that, I do feel empathy for people who suffer through no fault of their own. This is a very INTJ trait.

***Perceiving everything as a threat

This seems to center a lot around perceiving threats through facial expressions. I have very clearly stated that due to face blindness and some vision issues I rely a lot on facial expressions in casual encounters, but really only recognize what two or three mean. Two are negative to some extent and one mystifies me. This seems to be more of a threat from a narcissist to someone who is in their life. I don't have many people in my life and if I didn't understand what their expression told me I would just ask them what they were thinking. I wouldn't feel it was a threat unless they told me they had been thinking about killing me, etc. Communication.

***Emotional reasoning

About supplanting their emotions over those of the people they deal with because the Narcissist cannot understand any but their own emotions? I don't really understand how someone could tell you how they feel and you make it about you instead. Again, I practice acceptance. I may not understand everything about your feelings but I would certainly accept that you feel that way.

***Splitting

"The narcissist's personality is split into good and bad parts, and they also split everything in their relationships into good and bad." So basically Good = Me, Bad = you. Again about relationships. I guess the closest I would come to that is if I had a partner, I would look at everything as good or bad for us, but not look at my partner and try to make her bad and me good. That sounds like a miserable, unfair way to live. I would respect and support my partner as my best friend and trusted protector as I hope they would think of me.

***Fear of rejection and ridicule

"The narcissist's entire life is motivated and energized by fear. You wouldn't initially pick this out as a sign of a narcissist though because most narcissists' fears are deeply buried and repressed. They're constantly afraid of being ridiculed, rejected, or wrong. They may have fears about germs, about losing all their money, about being emotionally or physically attacked, about being seen as bad or inadequate, or about being abandoned. This makes it difficult and sometimes impossible for the narcissist to trust anyone else."

I cannot think of many things worse than being rejected and ridiculed by my partner or potential partner. I am a communicator, so hope that things would never reach the state where that would ever be the case. I could not care less about what anyone else says or thinks. I don't have any irrational fears. I am an uber planner, saver, so the world would have to be in a bad state for anything to upset my apple cart. I might worry about meeting all of my partner's needs, especially if she was not a  good communicator.

***Anxiety

"Anxiety is an ongoing, vague feeling that something bad is happening or about to happen. " Basically about diminishing or destabilizing other people (partners) to build themselves up, as I read the description. I have known people who treat their partners like this. Two of my brothers treated their partners like this before I decided they were too toxic to allow them to be part of my life. I don't think they were narcissists, just really insecure and manipulative people. So I know what this looks like, just do not feel the need to treat anyone like this. I think this shows extreme disloyalty to one's partner.

***Deeply repressed shame

"Narcissists don't feel much guilt because they think they are always right, and they don't believe their behaviors really affect anyone else. But they harbor a lot of shame. Shame is the belief that there is something deeply and permanently wrong or bad about who you are."

Apparently, about not being able to be completely open and sharing with a partner. I have pretty healthy self-esteem and have accomplished a lot despite many obstacles. Some may see that as arrogance, I see it as self confidence that I have earned by trials and tribulations. Still, I see myself as "average" so that is a pretty low bar to meet so nothing to really be ashamed about.

I am often wrong, not always right, have no problem with admitting when I am wrong, know my behavior will affect my partner and vice versa, etc. I do not have deep, secret shame, in general, but there are a very few things I have done that I am ashamed of and would probably not share, even with my partner. Other than that, I am pretty much a what you see is what you get person, open about my feelings, happy to share them and seek reciprocal behavior from my partner.

***An inability to be truly vulnerable

"Because of their inability to understand feelings, their lack of empathy, and constant need for self-protection, narcissists can't truly love or connect emotionally with other people. They cannot look at the world from anyone else's perspective. This makes them emotionally needy. When one relationship is no longer satisfying, they often overlap relationships or start a new one as soon as possible. They desperately want someone to feel their pain, to sympathize with them, and to make everything just as they want it to be."

Starting to cite the article as some of this is pretty twisted and I can respond better if I don't have to jump back to the web site.. I have never behaved this way, am not in pain, don't need or want sympathy, pretty happy with how I have managed my life. Will have to cogitate on this to make a better reply. This item also infers cheating, which some lists call out. I address that separately.

***An inability to communicate or work as part of a team


"Thoughtful, cooperative behaviors require a real understanding of each other's feelings. How will the other person feel? Will this action make both of us happy? How will this affect our relationship? These are questions that narcissists don't have the capacity or the motivation to think about."

I always put my partner first. My goal is to serve and make my partner feel happy, safe, content. I will have their back and expect them to have mine. This is only an issue if I had a partner with communication issues but I would not invite someone like that into my life. Experience has shown that is a recipe for disaster, or at minimum unhappiness.


***Cheating

While this list did not use the word "Cheating" as in cheating on a partner, most definitions do. I have never cheated on a partner or any woman I have been involved with and have mutually decided to become exclusive with. I do not foresee any circumstances where that would ever change. I am a monogamous man.